Retroactive Painful Conversation

I'm growing up. Everyone's aprehensive about it, especially me. When I actually allow myself three our four seconds to sit there and evaulate this semester (I guess since my 21st birthday, in general) , all of the irritations, quandaries and unforgiving situations are appearing as a necessity. There have been times when I would sit on my couch, cradling a beer in one hand, an XBox controller in the other hand, and ask myself "Why the hell does all of this terrible shit have to happen in succession? Can't I get a break?"

To put it bluntly, I've had to deal with a lot of unpleasent, bull-shit riddled situations since I turned 21. My Uncle John passed away from a two-year long battle with various forms of cancer. I ended a five-and-a-half year relationship with a fabulous girl with whom I spent a majority of my "grown-up" life with. I've reacclimated myself with a new living situation (which actually has been the easiest and most enjoyable part of the past six-ish months). Made new friends, lost friends, watched friends dismantle themselves. Quit a job, acquired a new job. Began (potentially) my final year as a college undergraduate. Celebrated two weddings between two good friends and my cousin (who's the daughter of my deceased uncle.

And in the past few weeks, I started dating a good friend who I'm absolutely in love with, and also dealt with my dad losing a job that he's held for nearly 15 years because of his recent diagnosis of Meniere's Disease.

Good and bad, totally fucking overwhelming and ridiculous.

But necessary.

I think I'm finally out of my October funk completely: a month of total hell. I seriously didn't want to do anything. My free time was spent smoking pot (moreso then usual) and playing XBox. That was it. I didn't want to socialize with anyone, outside of my gaming circle. I didn't care about classes or doing work, and I've been paying for it, having to go at a crazy dead sprint through the rest of the semester. It all seemed to be for the worst, and it's pretty obvious to say that anyone was going to react this way, with all the negativity and uncertainty.

On my part, it seemed to be my discontent of being forced to change that was throwing me through such a rut. Shit happens, and it's unavoidable. We're creatures of habit and when we're forced to adapt or change, we get pissed off. And it may not even have been the change that was making everything so difficult. Maybe it was having to reevaluate everything.

Having to rethink how certain emotions work. How relationships work, what you value, creating a hierarchy within your life. I guess having a new relationship has been the best of both worlds: making me ridiculously anxious and pensive, but optomisitic and serene at the same time. It's been nice having a fresh relationship, mainly because I've been rediscovering what originally made me happy in my prior relationship: enjoying the other person's company, being able to share things with them, having disccussions that don't degenerate into an argument over pointless friviloty in twenty-five seconds, and I guess, most importantly, appreciating what the other person offers you and that their feelings towards you are mutual.

I guess it's not foreign to me, because I've felt this way before, but not in this sequence, I guess. Reacclimation sucks. Hard. But it's all been for the better. I just hope this train keeps moving in the right direction.

***

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, so I'll post up some of my shit periodically. And I'll try to update more then two or three times a month, too. I promise.

Kinda.


We're cute. And happy.