I absolutely hate "male product" commercials

You see a jillion a week, especially if you're like me and have ESPN on all day. And even after seeing thousands of the "male enhancement" or "your prostate looks like a God damn walnut on steroids" commercials, I still don't understand how they work. Like, what's the appeal? Why on Earth would a grown man by like "You know, those guys on that giant fishing boat look like they're having fun, despite not being able to pee. I think Flomax will help me fix my bloated wiener!"

The prostate medication commercials are bad... but shit, the "male enhancement" commercials are like watching your mom shove a ham into her brat making place and trying to shoot it through a hoop. The most common one, Enzyte, features some jerk-off that looks like he's straight out of a 1950s sitcom, doing the most inane things. The advertisers try their best to throw in tons of 'hilarious' sexual innuendo that 50-something year old men and their sexually estranged wives will find HILARIOUS, in hopes that the husband will finally bend, buy the shitty prescription, and maybe be able to sustain an erection for more than 11 seconds.

NEWS FLASH: Guys- your dick is small, it's skinny, and you probably have an offset urethra. Your wife can get over the fact that you're packing a Bic downstairs. She loves you, after all. What she hates you for, however, is your lack of sexual coordination. You know, the fact that you look like a meercat trying to shove a piece of pencil led into a folded piece of taupe carpet. Or maybe the fact that your stamina is nil, and you can get in three pumps before you shoot your throat yogurt in her pubes.

Here's some tips to get your girlfriend/wife to, you know.... want to see your wiener.

1. Quit laughing at the gay commercials. Trust me, they won't make your wiener any more efficient or exciting.

2. Trim your pubes. For real, you don't have to go the distance and get rid of 'em all. Not only will she appreciate that she can actually find your dick now, but she'll lick your balls, and it'll be your new favorite thing.

3. Bathe. Or at the very least, cover up your smoldering sack with some Axe or something. But don't spray it into your but hole. I know from experience.

4. Show interest. Give her a hug for crying out loud. Tell her you love her. It makes sex THAT much better.

5. When you see a commercial or ad with a hot chick, or some hot celebrity you think about when you jerk it in the shower... quit reminding her, "You don't look like that, hun." Duh asshole, she knows it. Regardless of how ugly she is, she's the best you can do. Be grateful she didn't dump you for her dentist or the copy guy from work.

6. This is the most important: try. That's right, sex is a two way street. You actually have to exert some effort when you romp in the sack. Don't let her just sit there and make her grind all over your trouser snake, move your hips, moan... make a fucking face, SOMETHING. You can't do any worse then just lying there and think about that hot girl who slipped you some nipple at junior prom.

VISUAL SUPPLEMENTS
Here are these terrible commercials.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mS9xwV2qaBg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kDZUvPjxyzA

Be proud of your hairy back, small dick, and lack of sexual coordination, guys. Mainly because... I DON'T DEAL WITH ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS... SUCKERS.

God, I'm awesome.