Saturday, December 29, 2007

NEWS FLASH!

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Greatest. Period.

Greater than Dan Marino. Greater than Brett Favre. Terry Bradshaw. John Elway, Roger Staubach, Bart Starr, Peyton "Gay" Manning." And after cementing the greatest regular season in the history of quarterbacks, he has now passed Joe Montana as the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.

I really hate living in Indiana during football season. Not because Colts fans are ignorant morons who A.) Know nothing about the team they root for, other than 'PEYTON MANNING IS THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER! and B.) Cannot shut the fuck up about how great their team is, but because of their lack of respect for Tom Brady.

I completely understand that Colts fans should hate anything associated with the Patriots because of how many times Brady and company has stomped their heads in. But that doesn't excuse the constant disrespect throw at Brady. Watch a fucking interview the guys gives. He's completely selfless. He always puts his team first. Look at tonight's interview after their win over the Giants. The reporter asked him about Randy Moss's dropped pass, and Brady said, "He made a bad pass, and wanted to make up for it on the next play," which was completely false, since Randy Moss dropped the pass that he should've caught. Brady didn't want to put the blame on anyone else, because he sees himself as the leader of the team.

On top of that, Brady isn't like 99% of the other stars/"faces" of the NFL, like Chad Johnson, Donovan McNabb, Terrell Owens, and anyone else who's the face of their team. He doesn't mouth off. He doesn't complain about bad calls, or if his team plays poorly. He's a consummate professional who only cares about winning football games and performing for the fans.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that he can flat out play. The guy's football IQ is phenomenal. And his balls are pure brass. He cannot be shaken. But again, unlike everyone else, he doesn't sit there and cheer every time he completes a pass. He just goes out there and tosses a 30-38 game for 320 yards and four touchdowns. Oh yeah, if my memory serves me.... he's got three super bowl rings. How many other slingers have at least three? Three: Terry Bradshaw, Troy Aikman, and of course.... Joe Montana. All three: Hall of Famers. But don't worry, Colts fans! Manning does have his allusive ring.... but Doug Williams, Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson also have a ring... so that doesn't say too much.

Sure, Manning is cast in the same light as Brady, but I will still never be able to get over his interview in the 2004 playoffs where he threw his entire team under the bus after he played a HORRIBLE game. Because, as Colts fans will let you know, Peyton Manning cannot blow a game! And Bob Sanders makes EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TACKLE! Even when he breaks his ankle and sits out six straight games, because he's a bigger bitch than Marvin Harrison.

Don't worry, Colts fans. Manning is still great. He's the second best quarterback in the NFL today, and when he retires... he very well could be the third best quarterback ever. Behind Joe Montana and Tom Brady.

I just want people to get over their egos for crying out loud. You can hate Brady for beating your team's head in year in and year out. But quit pretending like he's not great. He is great. He's incredible. For some reason, people knocked the fact that Brady never put up massive numbers, or that his supporting cast was better than Manning's.

Errr... yeah: two number one receivers? Check. The most disciplined offensive line in the NFL? Check. One of the best all-around running backs in the NFL? Check. And now that Brady has Moss, Welker, a solid offensive line, and a coordinator that knows how to run an offense with the talent around them, he's apparently had these guys since day one. Sorry people... Brady just works. He gets the job done. Instead of talking about how shitty he is, or how big of an asshole he is, or how much you hate his team, why not embrace the fact that you're getting to see one of the greatest football players of our generation shattering records, and supplying us with great football.






Get ready for ring number four. It's coming. Doesn't matter who the NFC sends, they have zero chance. Zero.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm crippled.

Since I was about 15, I've had back problems. Nothing too severe. I was originally diagnosed with scoliosis, and an extremely mild case of it, at that. But now, as a 21-year-old, I find myself in the most unabashed pain imaginable. There are days where my back doesn't bother me at all. And there are times like right now, where I'm simply sitting at work in an office chair, and it feels like somebody's digging a high heeled shoe into the small of my back and they continually jump up and down.

Seriously, I can't sit still. I'm constantly moving around, trying to find a comfortable position to sit, but nothing is working. Aleve and shit like doesn't do anything. Heating pads.... ice.... nothing. I try to stretch out my lower back, and pop it, but it only works for a few seconds. I really hate being broke, and without insurance, because I'm fairly certain these issues would be cured with some routine visits to the chiropractor. I'm still on my parents insurance plan, as a full-time college student, but they don't cover chiropratic work. And hell, both my parents have back problems (I know I've voiced my dad's issues on here a few times before) so God knows that it sure would fucking help if I could get something done about it.

Usually I don't complain about whiney problems like this. Like, if I'm sick, I deal with it. It's gone in a few days, anyway. But my back is starting to get unbearable. At this point, it would be weird NOT to have this pain, since I'm so used to living with it on a regular basis, but honestly, this shit needs to stop now. I can't even sit without my back killing me.

Total bull shit.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

An Issued Challenge

I will give anyone $5 if they can give me a legitimate, believable reason as to why I have to work today. It's Muncie, a college town. I work in the library. It's the day after the birth of the J-Man (Son of G... Died on the C....)


Today's Quantum Math Lesson, presented by Stephen Hawking
No students + Christmas break = the library doesn't need to be open

Seriously, there has not been a single person down here in two hours, and it's safe to assume that nobody is going to come down here anytime soon and inquire if they can check out Chinatown on VHS or see if they can use a viewing room to watch a film reel of two elderly foxes have butt sex underneath a huge banzai tree.

I'M WASTING MY TIME! Disregard the fact that I'm making a whopping $5.90 per hour down here. This is torture. I'm so bored. Absolutely nothing to do. Amanda's bored.... April is bored.... Mandy is bored... Justin is bored. Why the fuck are there four people down here? I'm about to brandish a cigar cutter and start nipping the tips of my fingers off and try to re-adhere them with masking tape or something.

Somebody please come down here nude and demand something completely ancillary, like some old shitty UDC or something. PLEASE. I can't last four more hours. I honestly can't. I can only watch Meatspin or the BME Pain Olympics video so many times before I start crying.

And not because it's bothering me either, or I feel morally compromised.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Pot(Christ)mas





This is exactly why I love pot. Sure, these pictures are kind of funny now (sober) but my God... last night... I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. My favorite person in existence AKA friend since age 7 AKA the Flyin' Hawaiian, Kris, came over to visit last night. We're both only in town for a few days, so it was nice getting to spend an evening of brain cell destroying fun with him. We played XBox (imagine that) and lambasted some herb on the patio. It never gets old.

We talked about growing up, too. We'll be be done with school and trying to find jobs over the next semester, and it's just weird to both of us that all the fun and complacency of college is soon going to end, and 40 hour work weeks, ass-kissing and full insurance benefits are going to be the reality. I keep telling myself that I want to keep putting it off... and just have college last another semester. But truthfully, I'm really getting tired of Muncie. The weather flat-out sucks, the scenery is now stale, and it's just time for a change of scenery. I just want to move back to Southern Indiana... or maybe Louisville. I want to find a job, and start enjoying my "adult" life.

I know having a job and all of that jazz really isn't fun, but I'm over college. I'm ready for the next challenges in my life. Bring 'em on.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Smoldering Sack of Crap

So its Christmas Eve, and it's finally starting to set in as 'Christmas Break.' I'm finally just relaxing and sitting around, doing nothing. I spent last night with some of my friends. Most importantly, my pal Sarah, who's leaving to go to Iraq soon. It was nice getting to spend time with her and a few other folks I haven't seen in a while. We went and saw Sweeney Todd, which was FABULOUS. Go see it, the embodiment of Johnny Depp. It's seriously the tightest cast in a film I've seen in quite a while. Everyone fit their roles so well. After that, we hit up the new bowling alley on Talyorsville Road in Louisville.

Not to mention, it's been a fabulous 24 hours of sports. The Bears RAPED the Packers for the second time this season. Tom Brady sat back and jump roped with his cock, while leading the Greatriots one game closer to perfection. And the cherry on top occurred this morning, when the Bulls sacked coach Scott Skiles after their pathetic 9-16 start. It's a double edged sword. I like Skiles, but his tendencies just weren't working anymore. Plus... his team was starting to hate him. Hopefully the Bulls bring somebody in to jump start their season, because there's no reason why they shouldn't be the #3 team in the East. They have the SAME fucking roster they had last year, plus the additions of Joakim Noah and Aaron Gray.

And today's just been relaxing. I've did more sitting around, playing video games, reading, listening to music. I have some relaxing time during the week during the school year, but it's almost impossible to enjoy it with having to balance a jillion other responsibilities.

Christmas is tomorrow, and I really no idea what I'm getting. I think movies, maybe? Maybe some other stuff. I have no idea. Needless to say, it'll be exciting.

Now quit reading this and go spend time with your family, ho.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

I absolutely hate "male product" commercials

You see a jillion a week, especially if you're like me and have ESPN on all day. And even after seeing thousands of the "male enhancement" or "your prostate looks like a God damn walnut on steroids" commercials, I still don't understand how they work. Like, what's the appeal? Why on Earth would a grown man by like "You know, those guys on that giant fishing boat look like they're having fun, despite not being able to pee. I think Flomax will help me fix my bloated wiener!"

The prostate medication commercials are bad... but shit, the "male enhancement" commercials are like watching your mom shove a ham into her brat making place and trying to shoot it through a hoop. The most common one, Enzyte, features some jerk-off that looks like he's straight out of a 1950s sitcom, doing the most inane things. The advertisers try their best to throw in tons of 'hilarious' sexual innuendo that 50-something year old men and their sexually estranged wives will find HILARIOUS, in hopes that the husband will finally bend, buy the shitty prescription, and maybe be able to sustain an erection for more than 11 seconds.

NEWS FLASH: Guys- your dick is small, it's skinny, and you probably have an offset urethra. Your wife can get over the fact that you're packing a Bic downstairs. She loves you, after all. What she hates you for, however, is your lack of sexual coordination. You know, the fact that you look like a meercat trying to shove a piece of pencil led into a folded piece of taupe carpet. Or maybe the fact that your stamina is nil, and you can get in three pumps before you shoot your throat yogurt in her pubes.

Here's some tips to get your girlfriend/wife to, you know.... want to see your wiener.

1. Quit laughing at the gay commercials. Trust me, they won't make your wiener any more efficient or exciting.

2. Trim your pubes. For real, you don't have to go the distance and get rid of 'em all. Not only will she appreciate that she can actually find your dick now, but she'll lick your balls, and it'll be your new favorite thing.

3. Bathe. Or at the very least, cover up your smoldering sack with some Axe or something. But don't spray it into your but hole. I know from experience.

4. Show interest. Give her a hug for crying out loud. Tell her you love her. It makes sex THAT much better.

5. When you see a commercial or ad with a hot chick, or some hot celebrity you think about when you jerk it in the shower... quit reminding her, "You don't look like that, hun." Duh asshole, she knows it. Regardless of how ugly she is, she's the best you can do. Be grateful she didn't dump you for her dentist or the copy guy from work.

6. This is the most important: try. That's right, sex is a two way street. You actually have to exert some effort when you romp in the sack. Don't let her just sit there and make her grind all over your trouser snake, move your hips, moan... make a fucking face, SOMETHING. You can't do any worse then just lying there and think about that hot girl who slipped you some nipple at junior prom.

VISUAL SUPPLEMENTS
Here are these terrible commercials.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mS9xwV2qaBg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kDZUvPjxyzA

Be proud of your hairy back, small dick, and lack of sexual coordination, guys. Mainly because... I DON'T DEAL WITH ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS... SUCKERS.

God, I'm awesome.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Home

So I got to come home today. Thank God. The ride home wasn't too bad. Plus, the weather at home is at least 15 degrees warmer then in FUNcie, so you can't complain about that. I spent the day with Brianne. We went out to eat and I got to introduce her to both of my parents. I got her this.... sweatery-doo thing and some movies.

It wasn't without hitches though. The traffic in Clarksvegas was absolutely atrocious, not to mention some dyke in a piece of shit tan metal sled almost backed into my car at an intersection. We got our DVDs at Game Stop because they had a buy 2-get 2 sale, which essentially meant we were stuck in line for a literal hour.

Bull shit.

And I was upset that she couldn't stay the night, but my cousins never tell my parents when they'll be home, so there was no way to know if anyone has a place to sleep. Not even my, and I fucking live here. Either way, it was great getting to see her before Christmas. She's (potentially) going to visit her mom tomorrow, so I'm hoping everything goes well with that.

You know what time it is? Halo/Heidi time.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Top 10 albums of 2007

This year was a really, really good year for music. Here's my top 10 for the past 12 months.

10. White Stripes Icky Thump
9. Spoon: Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
8. Iron and Wine: The Shepherd's Dog
7. Joan as Police Woman: Real Life
6. Wilco: Sky Blue Sky
5. Dinosaur Jr.: Beyond
4. Black Dahlia Murder: Nocturnal
3. Radiohead: In Rainbows
2. Wu-Tang Clan: 8 Diagrams
1. Queens of the Stone Age: Era Vulgaris


Listen to them all, especially the top 3. They are absolute must-buys. STOCKING STUFFERS, PEOPLE.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

New shoes.




Straight baller. Oh yes.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Reading Books

My worst habit as an English major is that I refuse to read books. More specifically: novels. It's not that I dislike novels, or don't appreciate novels. It's just... I guess my creative writing niche has transformed my scope for literature. My attention span has really narrowed. Generally, I can't stay interested in literature if it lasts for more then 30 pages. Truthfully, the last novel I can say I read from cover to cover was The Great Gatsby and that was only because that was assigned to me as a freshman in college.

A lot of times I'll read a novel synopsis, I'll immediately look at the page count. Then I'll sit there and ask myself, "Couldn't you have told the story in half the time? Or less? Maybe 10 pages?" What upsets me is that most popular authors refuse to write economically. Tons of useless information about characters and settings. Pointless bull shit. And the best part is: relevant information is left unattended.

Don't get me wrong, I read. I read a lot. Tons of useless shit, especially when it comes to sports and music history. That type of knowledge seems tangible to me. Discussing pedagogy or theory... or even your general opinion about a book with somebody is beyond trivial. Most people never forget that "opinion" is just that: it's opinion. Not fact. So you end up getting into a ridiculous shouting match or pissing contest about the most inane garbage.

That's why I just stopped reading novels. Give me a nice collection of short fiction or poetry. Or a 32-page chapbook (kinda' like the one I wrote!). The reading is much brisker. The actual procession of time seems more plausible. Plus, if you hate it, you don't have the undying obligation to finish reading 200 more pages: you'll be done in like...5 more.

Don't get me wrong, I actually had planned on buying a few novels are giving them the old college try. But then I remembered how much I hate struggling through crap. Although, Hemmingway has never disappointed me before.


***Side note: mad props to the NFL for honoring Sean Taylor posthumously on the NFC Pro Bowl roster. He was having a monster season, and whole heartedly deserved this recognition.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Bo.red




This is what you do at work when you're bored. I work at the library, and with an overwhelming majority of the students home for Christmas break, it's pretty much senseless for the place to be open. Coupled with a half foot of snow on the ground, and poorly plowed roads, and the place was empty. Seriously, there were maybe 10 people in the entire library (outside of employees). I sat there today with Josh, a pretty cool guy, and we did less than nothing. Which doesn't bother me one bit, I'm glad to finally get paid for doing absolutely nothing.

We sat around and talked about sports. About movies. But most importantly, about the most revolting things we've ever seen on the interwebz. Of course we shared the horror stories of popping our Goatse cherries and other sickening images of small Asian women shooting a fountain of watery shit into their own face. The newest additions to the shock site legacy has been the "scat" outbreak of 2007, such as 2Girls1Cup and other damning videos that make you want to take a dull, rusted paint scraper to your pupil and dig until you reach the back of your brain.

I let him know that, "For me, it's not necessarily the poop that grosses me out. Poop isn't too bad: it's the presentation."

He whole heartedly agreed.

But nothing is worse then "Pain Olympics," easily the most haunting thing I've ever seen, and probably the only video/image on the internet that I wish I could actually erase from my memory. It makes Mr. Hands or any Harlequin baby photo look like the fucking cover of Beauty and the Beast

Do yourself a favor: don't visit any of these sites. Ever.

Except for Goatse.... and maybe Meatspin.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Days of congestion

So I've been sick the past few days. I guess it's the whole "winter" sickness crap. First your head hurts, then you have an upset stomach. Then vomiting, a body ache, a fever. And now, I'm congested. This is the last leg of everything... I think. It's been nothing but soup, coughing and Sprit for the past few days, so I'll be glad when this all has passed.

Last night I met up with a bunch of my Volkswagen friends from Indianapolis for a pizza snarfing/video game shindig. Most everyone from the club showed up, so that was nice. It was nice getting to just hang around and BS for a night. I didn't get sick while I was there, which was a plus. Ryan had his video project finished, entitled "The People's Car," so we got to watch that: totally cool stuff, he did a great job with it.

And today: completely shitty weather. It's been snowing non-stop for a while now. There's probably a few inches on the ground and there's really no signs of it letting up anytime soon. Although, the roads aren't too bad, so if for some God awful reason I have to leave, I shouldn't have any trouble driving my Golf/snow plow around Muncie. Hopefully today will just consist of cleaning the apartment a bit, doing laundry, video games, and getting to relax with Ms. B.

The semester is finally over, and it'll be nice to just relax and not really have to conform to a constant agenda. Plus, all of the nub kids should be home from school, which should equal some free wins on Halo.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

When in Rome...

...eat a queef.


Okay, maybe not. Anyway... four finals down, one left. Tomorrow at noon: Geography. And God almighty, I could fucking care less. The end of the semester is two inches in front of my face. I just took my film literature final, and I'm not kidding when I say I needed every bit of two hours to take it. Pat Collier sure knows how to cram a two footer into your ass. I got a C in that class, but you know what, it's the greatest, most fulfilling C I've ever gotten.

I'm not even upset with getting a C either in there. Point blank, that class was tough. It really made you critical about films and their ideological involvement with society, something I'm extremely interested in as an English major. Plus, it's the first non-A I've gotten in an English class ever, so I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Tomorrow is Volkswagen night in Indy with the gentlemen from ND Dubs. I promised to bring my XBox, and I think a few other guys are, too. So needless to say, it's going to be Halo 3 and Forza 2 non-stop until I pass out. You bet your sweet as I'm going to be handing out free headshots VIA the sniper rifle like they were kittens.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

OHHHH... You want to lighten the load?

One project down.

I finished my chapbook last night with some help from Ms. B around midnight. The last week has been spent fine tuning all of the literature and editing shit, which was enough to me to never want to look at anything I'm including in the chapbook again. I'm just sick of looking at it.

And I feel the same way about the chapbook, too. inDesign was proving to overcomplicate everything, mainly because my skills with it are limited, so it was senseless for me to sit there and spin my tires while the clock slipped away from me, and nothing got accomplished.

So what did I do then? With some help from Dan, one of my English buddies, I set up a layout in Microsoft Word and pounded out everything in there. Was the process pretty? Not at all. But will the results be pretty? That's yet to be determined. I finished the cover too, and just hope that it turns out well when I take it to get printed and bound later today. I'm not sure how many copies I'm going to initially print, but I'm going to save the files in the Word document format as well as convert it to a PDF is it'll be easier to get new copies made in the future.

Honestly, this book is all I've really cared about, outside of my film essay (which, by the way, turned out pretty well, I just need the grade now DAMN IT). I have three finals, and I could honestly care less about them. Yes, it's that point in the semester where nobody cares. They just want Friday to get here so they can pack everything in their car and go home.

Not me. Friday night is Volkswagen night in Indy with some of my buddies. MMMM, Donato's pizza and root beer. Fuck yes.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Being Grateful

I'm not rich. I'm not upper class, or snotty, or anything like that. When I receive something nice, I make sure to say "Thank you." I'm patient when I go out to eat, regardless of how long it takes for me to get my food. I always smile, I'm always cheerful, and I try to make people's interactions with me as easy as possible when I'm at work (even if there a Colts fan.... well, sometimes.)

And the thing that's ironic about it: I'm spoiled. Not on purpose, mind you. My girlfriend spoils me. I don't deserve it, not at all. Sure, it's nice getting fun presents that you don't expect, but still, it's weird for me. I wasn't spoiled as a kid. When I got my Golf on in September of 2002, I cried. I couldn't remember a time that I was ever that happy about getting a present. Not even my Playstation 2.

But maybe when I got Grand Theft Auto III, the video game that changed my life.


Digression....

I just wish people were a little more grateful about things. Example: earlier tonight at work, some uber dyke with a stupid zit-covered face and retarded snow boots comes downstairs flailing like an asshat. She walks up to my desk, exclaiming "Hey dude.... I need a laptop."

I get up, smile and ask, "Would you like a PC or Mac?"

"I don't give a shit. Whatever is fastest, just don't give me one of your old crappy ones."

"Okay...."

So I walk into the back, hoping I'm forced to give her an old piece of shit. I'm thinking to myself What a fucking ungrateful bitch. Christ, you could be in a fucking wheelchair, or retarded. You could not have one of your legs, or have cancer, or be in jail. Or in overseas shoved in a fucking Hummer in 100 degree weather fighting for something you don't even believe in. You're sitting here.... bickering about being able to log onto a computer in three minutes instead of four. Jesus Christ, you miserable wench.

I just can't stand that kind of shit. Like when people come down here and bitch about not being able to check out a black, more "modern" looking pair of headphones as opposed to the brown "Studio 54" replica most people get to use. What is this, a fucking fashion show? They're headphones people. Not a God damn Gucci accessory.

Or when stupid bratty kids scream at their parents because they won't buy them a new toy. I want to run up to them, elbow them right in the throat and body slam them right into a garbage disposal.

I just hate materialism. Sure, people have to buy things in order to be happy, but doesn't anything free make you happy? Like laughing or taking a nap, or a huge shit? Or hugging a family member. Think of it this way, you could be damned to watch The Cure for Insomnia for the rest of your life, a movie that's nothing more then poet L.D. Groban reading his piece of crap poem sharing the same title, occasionally spliced with music videos and uncircumcised boners.

People are worthless.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Winding Down

The semester is done. Well, almost done. I only have two finals next week and my chapbook is due on Tuesday. It should be a slow week. I'm just glad everything is almost done. This semester has been relentless, and it'll be nice to just have time to relax and work a few days a week.

Today was nice. Brianne and I went to eat lunch at a Japanese hibachi place (Domo) in Muncie with a few of our mutual friends. The food there is great, plus Brianne freaks the fuck out when the chef makes an onion volcano and catches shit on fire. Plus, he juggles an egg and chops it in half, which is pretty awesome. Jake spilled tons of shit all over himself and Molly, to which Molly responded with a wonderful "I want to sand your face off" look that every woman can bust out at a moments notice. After that, we went to the mall and I pointed out at least 50 million things that I wanted for Christmas. I feel greedy because Brianne has already spent close to a jillion dollars on me, plus I got two presents early.

But Hell, it wouldn't be so hard to resist if the fucking holidays didn't bring out the Scrooge in everyone.

Then we went and got ice cream. And now we're just sitting here, relaxing. I really want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings and watch the Ricky Hatton/Floyd Mayweather fight tonight, but I'm sure that place is going to be a zoo, and I'll want to leave in fifteen seconds because the place will be packed. Plus, going alone won't be too exciting. We'll see though.

I'm sure tonight is going to turn into a sit around and do nothing kind of night. Which is fine with me, because tomorrow is gonna be nothing but chapbook grinding and me working at the library. The 14th can't get here soon enough.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Stoney Lonesome

Love as many people as your heart will let you love.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Crazy cop shows

I know it's white trash. I know they're terribly written, with terrible punch lines, and even more terribly cliche hosts.

But I absolutely watching these shows.

I have no idea why, either. Maybe I love laughing at the misfortune of others. Maybe I just love watching morons do the stupidest, most inanae shit imaginable. Like right fucking now! I'm watching one of these shows, and this asshole just ran his truck through a highway sign, blew all four of his tires, and spun out.

You figured he'd stop, right? No.

Not even close. This asshole gets out of his smoking pick up truck, and brandishes a fucking AR15 automatic assault rifle, and proceeds to obliterate a slew of cop cars.

The best part? The retarded was fatally wounded by a cop. Stupid ass.

And yes, I don't feel bad, not at all. Although there have been a shit load of "copy" shows, none of these come close to replicating the splendor of Cops. that's probably because Cops actually has, you know... a narrative. Plus, you can't help but wish that you could experience something crazy like this, even if it's just once. It'd be exactly like Grand Theft Auto.

Just think about it.... you'd have a life bar over your head and everything.

Monday, December 3, 2007

A meeting with Collier

I met with my ENG 425 professor today about my final project: a cultural symposium about Martin Scorsese's 1976 film Taxi Driver. Although this semester's been an academic train wreck, this has easily been my favorite class. Tons of great pedagogical tidbits about film, plus I've gotten the chance to see some great movies. Not to mention, I'm excited about this project.

Collier flat out worked my thesis and outline, but you know... it was definitely for the best. He loved my ideas, but like most teachers, felt I needed to hone and polish my direction. "You're trying to do too much with this paper, which is good. Most people never do enough. You're definitely on the right track." It was nice hearing that from a professor who is generally considered one of the hardest graders in the department (not to mention, he's the assistant chairman of the department...). He really seemed to like my ideas, and had positive things to say about everything.

It was a solid half hour of bad-assery (that's my new word). It looks like a complete mess, but you know, it's going to be a lot easier, now that somebody's looked at my ideas (and essentially picked them apart). Taxi Driver is a deep, enriching film that has a great Vietnam War subtext. Plus, it just looks killer on the screen, and has just an outstanding script. ****FILM NERD****

Even though the semester's coming down to a crunch, and I have roughly eighteen jillion things due in the next two weeks, it's all working substantially better then I had originally thought. The next few nights should be me tweeking my paper, and a few other projects, but it shouldn't be too bad. I'll just crack open a Vitamin Water, give Ms. B a hug, and put my nose to the fucking grindstone.

Eat my dick, college. I'm going to rape this paper.

Pre/Post Haircut

Pre

Apt to swearing and smells like a vegetable market in some third-world country.
Appears uneducated, wry, almost ancillary.
Hair like stingy, old livestock feed in a field
of wilting daffodils and muddy puddles.
Animal hoof prints, aged cheese.
Inadequate social skills, finds talking to women
Tiresome. Never using the right words
“Foxy” instead of “Delightful.”
Appreciates music in many forms.

Post

Perch of the head in the shape of a sleek neo-noir bullet
racing through the sky into a large field, which appears in the same
light as a Hollywood duchess’s lavender eyes.
Almost like a landing strip for cruise missiles.
Smells wealthy, the scent of the upper echelons of a French-named department store.
Women find the bristly coarseness of his hair permissive yet inviting.
Although, they kind still melt candy bar lies down to syrup.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Retroactive Painful Conversation

I'm growing up. Everyone's aprehensive about it, especially me. When I actually allow myself three our four seconds to sit there and evaulate this semester (I guess since my 21st birthday, in general) , all of the irritations, quandaries and unforgiving situations are appearing as a necessity. There have been times when I would sit on my couch, cradling a beer in one hand, an XBox controller in the other hand, and ask myself "Why the hell does all of this terrible shit have to happen in succession? Can't I get a break?"

To put it bluntly, I've had to deal with a lot of unpleasent, bull-shit riddled situations since I turned 21. My Uncle John passed away from a two-year long battle with various forms of cancer. I ended a five-and-a-half year relationship with a fabulous girl with whom I spent a majority of my "grown-up" life with. I've reacclimated myself with a new living situation (which actually has been the easiest and most enjoyable part of the past six-ish months). Made new friends, lost friends, watched friends dismantle themselves. Quit a job, acquired a new job. Began (potentially) my final year as a college undergraduate. Celebrated two weddings between two good friends and my cousin (who's the daughter of my deceased uncle.

And in the past few weeks, I started dating a good friend who I'm absolutely in love with, and also dealt with my dad losing a job that he's held for nearly 15 years because of his recent diagnosis of Meniere's Disease.

Good and bad, totally fucking overwhelming and ridiculous.

But necessary.

I think I'm finally out of my October funk completely: a month of total hell. I seriously didn't want to do anything. My free time was spent smoking pot (moreso then usual) and playing XBox. That was it. I didn't want to socialize with anyone, outside of my gaming circle. I didn't care about classes or doing work, and I've been paying for it, having to go at a crazy dead sprint through the rest of the semester. It all seemed to be for the worst, and it's pretty obvious to say that anyone was going to react this way, with all the negativity and uncertainty.

On my part, it seemed to be my discontent of being forced to change that was throwing me through such a rut. Shit happens, and it's unavoidable. We're creatures of habit and when we're forced to adapt or change, we get pissed off. And it may not even have been the change that was making everything so difficult. Maybe it was having to reevaluate everything.

Having to rethink how certain emotions work. How relationships work, what you value, creating a hierarchy within your life. I guess having a new relationship has been the best of both worlds: making me ridiculously anxious and pensive, but optomisitic and serene at the same time. It's been nice having a fresh relationship, mainly because I've been rediscovering what originally made me happy in my prior relationship: enjoying the other person's company, being able to share things with them, having disccussions that don't degenerate into an argument over pointless friviloty in twenty-five seconds, and I guess, most importantly, appreciating what the other person offers you and that their feelings towards you are mutual.

I guess it's not foreign to me, because I've felt this way before, but not in this sequence, I guess. Reacclimation sucks. Hard. But it's all been for the better. I just hope this train keeps moving in the right direction.

***

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, so I'll post up some of my shit periodically. And I'll try to update more then two or three times a month, too. I promise.

Kinda.


We're cute. And happy.