"I enjoying flushing toilets."

If you could open my head and look inside of it, it'd be filled with shit. Literal feces. It'd be a mother fucking toilet that some asshole shat in, wiped with a moderate amount of toilet paper, and neglected to flush because he was missing the new episode of Myth Busters and had to bust ass into the kitchen just in case his Ham and Cheese Lean Pocket started over heating.

It's pretty gay, but honestly... the only thing I'm sure about right now is how bad ass my cat is. Seriously, no matter how gay and ridiculous things have gotten, no matter how many times people in my life have to shove their collective genitalia into my mouth... I know at the end of the day, when I come home from a miserable eight hour shift at work, Juice will be sitting there on the brown chair in the living room, watching the light on the wireless router tick and flicker in a candy apple green pulse of light. Regardless of how late I come home, or how bad the apartment smells because nobody ever wants to fucking clean everything... Juice is always relaxing in one of her hiding spots, waiting for me to play with her. Even though she usually lets me hold her for a few seconds, they always make me happy. She lets me scratch her chin, then I get to fill up her food bowl and give her water. I know Juice can't say "Thank you," but I feel her saying it sometimes, because during her breaks between naps, she needs to have fun, and because I'm usually so busy with shit, I don't always get to pay enough attention to Juice that she deserves.

Honestly, right now.... I think I'd rather have two cats than two kids. Don't have to put cats through school, never have to buy them clothes. All you do is play with them, watch them take massive dumps, and swear vigorously at them when the knock shit off the counter. Juice really is a best friend for me. Even though she won't let me comb the knots out of her beard because she's so God damn stubborn, she's still my hero, and 100% of a person, without the thumbs or voice box.

Her birthday is coming up and I can't fucking wait. Seriously, Juice's first birthday is going to be great. She's going to get plenty of cat nip, some new toys, maybe even a birthday hat, if she'll let me put one on her and Hell... maybe she'll actually play with the mouse I already bought her. I don't know what more she could want, it fucking squeaks and shit when you bat it around, but I'm certain she'd rather pull shit out of the wall or chew up rolls of toilet paper then play with expensive toys.

I know she's a cat, but I love Juice to death. I still can't believe she's almost a year old. She's grown up to be my best friend. Seriously... never would've figured that my tiny kitten with the half and half face that couldn't meow would turn into an eight pound total bad ass that could roundhouse Chuck Norris into 1987.

I love you Juice.