Theory for mix CDs, etc.

So, the worst part about making a mix CD for somebody is that after you burn it, pop it back in your CD player/computer to make sure it works.... you always end up wanting to keep it for yourself. That's the case with the last one I made.

I made rules:

1. Soul Coughing songs are okay.... not Mike Doughty solo stuff- Couple of reasons why: he actually used an anagram of his name (Haughty Melodic) for an album title. That either means he's really, really smart, probably too smart for his own good, or one of his drunk friends scored big during a stupor. Either way, I could never get that lucky, score one up for jealousy. 

Second reason: listen to his solo work... he the kid 

standing on the high dive at the summer pool with a line twenty kids long jeering him to make a funny face and just jump in. Sorry though, he's got flamingo legs. Shaking in opposite directions, afraid to make a half-flip too much and land on his side. Come on! Jump you wuss. Quit being scared and just go for broke. That's what Soul Coughing was about. Doing a jackknife for 20 feet up and over rotating, but it didn't matter because the splash was big enough to get all the moms by the vending machine wet. Kids gasped in at the same time, tugged their pockets filled with water. They gloated, they saw chubby Mike make a day worth writing about in your journal. "Soft Serve" will definitely do that. "No Peace, Los Angeles"? Hardly.

2. Exclude any songs you've ever listened to having sex- See, the problem is you're setting yourself up for bad memories, blue balls or both, especially if it's for a lady friend. What if you listened to "L.A. Woman" while you pounded a former fling into submission from behind? The thought crawls from the back of your head. Yikes. You're stuck in the car with this girl. No air conditioning, the smell of burnt oil. On your way to Chic-fil-a. Well... what now? You want head but, pal, it's not going to happen. You can drop all the hints you want. Nip this one in the bud and actually make a separate list of all the songs you can hear over the sound of your bed frame shifting itself loose.

3. Never have two hip-hop songs back-to-back- Damnnnnn. See, I really messed up on this latest mix with a Lupe Fiasco/De la Soul/Slick Rick trifecta. What sucks is that all three of these songs are so fantastic that you find yourself cutting through them three or four times on loop and never listen to the seven songs after it. A quick fix would be just hitting the shuffle button.

4. Make sure the mix is at least 10 songs- Seriously, why waste a CD? It's pointless. Stretch that shit out. A full 80 minutes, please. I'll even take some filler, like an interlude from Chronic 2001. You know, that "Pause 4 Porno" song where it's just a bunch of people having sex.

5. If you can actually proclaim a favorite song, leave it off- This'll help avoid any argument that might arise when you blurt out how much you love the song on a road trip. It's a fight you won't win, sorry.

6. Back to Slick Rick: he better be on your mix- I don't even care if you just put "Adults Only" on every single mix you make, that song is on point. Quick tangent....I wonder who produced that song? I'm looking at the album credits and DJ Clark Kent and Kid Capri are both listed as producers. Maybe Ringo Smith? I know he did some production on this album. Christ, I have no idea. I'll PayPal you 10 dollars if you find out for me, no joke. I'll even include the 3% fee. That's love.

***

I have other theories. Sometimes you need to just keep those to yourself. I need a vacation. I just had one, but it was just an "extra weekend day" vacation. I need a "500 miles away from home with your cell phone off" vacation.

**

Love might be

 the worst thing in the world. Maybe because there'll be a time when you realize there are a finite number of things in existence that can be arranged in an infinite number of ways. Just like a sentence can go on forever, just add a comma.

You'll be sitting there one night. I know it'll be night. Something will happen. I don't know, you'll be listening to a song, she'll get up and move a different way to the door. You'll cough and she'll turn over and break your heart. I don't know, I just know it's going to happen. It's going to eat you insides.

Hope/pray/have faith in something so you get beyond all of those things and propose. Like hide your ring in a rose, boys. Hide it under the pillow, by her toothbrush, on the dash of her car, put it around your cock. Who knows? Either way, you're going to make her cry and she'll say yes and you'll show a large group of people how in love you are, because it's the way things are.

All I know is, I'm in love, and the only way I want it to end is if my heart stops beating. I want to outlive everyone in my family and be there alone in a room holding her hand, my organs oxidizing because I'm like 140-years-old, and cars hover and sound like blenders moving through the streets. I found somebody I'd build a house for, play Monopoly with, take the trash out in the rain, groom the dog, clean the toilet and shower back-to-back, clip their fingernails, make mixed CDs for, eat seafood, watch the Food Network, etc.