NEWS FLASH!

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Greatest. Period.

Greater than Dan Marino. Greater than Brett Favre. Terry Bradshaw. John Elway, Roger Staubach, Bart Starr, Peyton "Gay" Manning." And after cementing the greatest regular season in the history of quarterbacks, he has now passed Joe Montana as the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.

I really hate living in Indiana during football season. Not because Colts fans are ignorant morons who A.) Know nothing about the team they root for, other than 'PEYTON MANNING IS THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER! and B.) Cannot shut the fuck up about how great their team is, but because of their lack of respect for Tom Brady.

I completely understand that Colts fans should hate anything associated with the Patriots because of how many times Brady and company has stomped their heads in. But that doesn't excuse the constant disrespect throw at Brady. Watch a fucking interview the guys gives. He's completely selfless. He always puts his team first. Look at tonight's interview after their win over the Giants. The reporter asked him about Randy Moss's dropped pass, and Brady said, "He made a bad pass, and wanted to make up for it on the next play," which was completely false, since Randy Moss dropped the pass that he should've caught. Brady didn't want to put the blame on anyone else, because he sees himself as the leader of the team.

On top of that, Brady isn't like 99% of the other stars/"faces" of the NFL, like Chad Johnson, Donovan McNabb, Terrell Owens, and anyone else who's the face of their team. He doesn't mouth off. He doesn't complain about bad calls, or if his team plays poorly. He's a consummate professional who only cares about winning football games and performing for the fans.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that he can flat out play. The guy's football IQ is phenomenal. And his balls are pure brass. He cannot be shaken. But again, unlike everyone else, he doesn't sit there and cheer every time he completes a pass. He just goes out there and tosses a 30-38 game for 320 yards and four touchdowns. Oh yeah, if my memory serves me.... he's got three super bowl rings. How many other slingers have at least three? Three: Terry Bradshaw, Troy Aikman, and of course.... Joe Montana. All three: Hall of Famers. But don't worry, Colts fans! Manning does have his allusive ring.... but Doug Williams, Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson also have a ring... so that doesn't say too much.

Sure, Manning is cast in the same light as Brady, but I will still never be able to get over his interview in the 2004 playoffs where he threw his entire team under the bus after he played a HORRIBLE game. Because, as Colts fans will let you know, Peyton Manning cannot blow a game! And Bob Sanders makes EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TACKLE! Even when he breaks his ankle and sits out six straight games, because he's a bigger bitch than Marvin Harrison.

Don't worry, Colts fans. Manning is still great. He's the second best quarterback in the NFL today, and when he retires... he very well could be the third best quarterback ever. Behind Joe Montana and Tom Brady.

I just want people to get over their egos for crying out loud. You can hate Brady for beating your team's head in year in and year out. But quit pretending like he's not great. He is great. He's incredible. For some reason, people knocked the fact that Brady never put up massive numbers, or that his supporting cast was better than Manning's.

Errr... yeah: two number one receivers? Check. The most disciplined offensive line in the NFL? Check. One of the best all-around running backs in the NFL? Check. And now that Brady has Moss, Welker, a solid offensive line, and a coordinator that knows how to run an offense with the talent around them, he's apparently had these guys since day one. Sorry people... Brady just works. He gets the job done. Instead of talking about how shitty he is, or how big of an asshole he is, or how much you hate his team, why not embrace the fact that you're getting to see one of the greatest football players of our generation shattering records, and supplying us with great football.






Get ready for ring number four. It's coming. Doesn't matter who the NFC sends, they have zero chance. Zero.

I'm crippled.

Since I was about 15, I've had back problems. Nothing too severe. I was originally diagnosed with scoliosis, and an extremely mild case of it, at that. But now, as a 21-year-old, I find myself in the most unabashed pain imaginable. There are days where my back doesn't bother me at all. And there are times like right now, where I'm simply sitting at work in an office chair, and it feels like somebody's digging a high heeled shoe into the small of my back and they continually jump up and down.

Seriously, I can't sit still. I'm constantly moving around, trying to find a comfortable position to sit, but nothing is working. Aleve and shit like doesn't do anything. Heating pads.... ice.... nothing. I try to stretch out my lower back, and pop it, but it only works for a few seconds. I really hate being broke, and without insurance, because I'm fairly certain these issues would be cured with some routine visits to the chiropractor. I'm still on my parents insurance plan, as a full-time college student, but they don't cover chiropratic work. And hell, both my parents have back problems (I know I've voiced my dad's issues on here a few times before) so God knows that it sure would fucking help if I could get something done about it.

Usually I don't complain about whiney problems like this. Like, if I'm sick, I deal with it. It's gone in a few days, anyway. But my back is starting to get unbearable. At this point, it would be weird NOT to have this pain, since I'm so used to living with it on a regular basis, but honestly, this shit needs to stop now. I can't even sit without my back killing me.

Total bull shit.

An Issued Challenge

I will give anyone $5 if they can give me a legitimate, believable reason as to why I have to work today. It's Muncie, a college town. I work in the library. It's the day after the birth of the J-Man (Son of G... Died on the C....)


Today's Quantum Math Lesson, presented by Stephen Hawking
No students + Christmas break = the library doesn't need to be open

Seriously, there has not been a single person down here in two hours, and it's safe to assume that nobody is going to come down here anytime soon and inquire if they can check out Chinatown on VHS or see if they can use a viewing room to watch a film reel of two elderly foxes have butt sex underneath a huge banzai tree.

I'M WASTING MY TIME! Disregard the fact that I'm making a whopping $5.90 per hour down here. This is torture. I'm so bored. Absolutely nothing to do. Amanda's bored.... April is bored.... Mandy is bored... Justin is bored. Why the fuck are there four people down here? I'm about to brandish a cigar cutter and start nipping the tips of my fingers off and try to re-adhere them with masking tape or something.

Somebody please come down here nude and demand something completely ancillary, like some old shitty UDC or something. PLEASE. I can't last four more hours. I honestly can't. I can only watch Meatspin or the BME Pain Olympics video so many times before I start crying.

And not because it's bothering me either, or I feel morally compromised.

Merry Pot(Christ)mas

This is exactly why I love pot. Sure, these pictures are kind of funny now (sober) but my God... last night... I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. My favorite person in existence AKA friend since age 7 AKA the Flyin' Hawaiian, Kris, came over to visit last night. We're both only in town for a few days, so it was nice getting to spend an evening of brain cell destroying fun with him. We played XBox (imagine that) and lambasted some herb on the patio. It never gets old.

We talked about growing up, too. We'll be be done with school and trying to find jobs over the next semester, and it's just weird to both of us that all the fun and complacency of college is soon going to end, and 40 hour work weeks, ass-kissing and full insurance benefits are going to be the reality. I keep telling myself that I want to keep putting it off... and just have college last another semester. But truthfully, I'm really getting tired of Muncie. The weather flat-out sucks, the scenery is now stale, and it's just time for a change of scenery. I just want to move back to Southern Indiana... or maybe Louisville. I want to find a job, and start enjoying my "adult" life.

I know having a job and all of that jazz really isn't fun, but I'm over college. I'm ready for the next challenges in my life. Bring 'em on.

Smoldering Sack of Crap

So its Christmas Eve, and it's finally starting to set in as 'Christmas Break.' I'm finally just relaxing and sitting around, doing nothing. I spent last night with some of my friends. Most importantly, my pal Sarah, who's leaving to go to Iraq soon. It was nice getting to spend time with her and a few other folks I haven't seen in a while. We went and saw Sweeney Todd, which was FABULOUS. Go see it, the embodiment of Johnny Depp. It's seriously the tightest cast in a film I've seen in quite a while. Everyone fit their roles so well. After that, we hit up the new bowling alley on Talyorsville Road in Louisville.

Not to mention, it's been a fabulous 24 hours of sports. The Bears RAPED the Packers for the second time this season. Tom Brady sat back and jump roped with his cock, while leading the Greatriots one game closer to perfection. And the cherry on top occurred this morning, when the Bulls sacked coach Scott Skiles after their pathetic 9-16 start. It's a double edged sword. I like Skiles, but his tendencies just weren't working anymore. Plus... his team was starting to hate him. Hopefully the Bulls bring somebody in to jump start their season, because there's no reason why they shouldn't be the #3 team in the East. They have the SAME fucking roster they had last year, plus the additions of Joakim Noah and Aaron Gray.

And today's just been relaxing. I've did more sitting around, playing video games, reading, listening to music. I have some relaxing time during the week during the school year, but it's almost impossible to enjoy it with having to balance a jillion other responsibilities.

Christmas is tomorrow, and I really no idea what I'm getting. I think movies, maybe? Maybe some other stuff. I have no idea. Needless to say, it'll be exciting.

Now quit reading this and go spend time with your family, ho.

I absolutely hate "male product" commercials

You see a jillion a week, especially if you're like me and have ESPN on all day. And even after seeing thousands of the "male enhancement" or "your prostate looks like a God damn walnut on steroids" commercials, I still don't understand how they work. Like, what's the appeal? Why on Earth would a grown man by like "You know, those guys on that giant fishing boat look like they're having fun, despite not being able to pee. I think Flomax will help me fix my bloated wiener!"

The prostate medication commercials are bad... but shit, the "male enhancement" commercials are like watching your mom shove a ham into her brat making place and trying to shoot it through a hoop. The most common one, Enzyte, features some jerk-off that looks like he's straight out of a 1950s sitcom, doing the most inane things. The advertisers try their best to throw in tons of 'hilarious' sexual innuendo that 50-something year old men and their sexually estranged wives will find HILARIOUS, in hopes that the husband will finally bend, buy the shitty prescription, and maybe be able to sustain an erection for more than 11 seconds.

NEWS FLASH: Guys- your dick is small, it's skinny, and you probably have an offset urethra. Your wife can get over the fact that you're packing a Bic downstairs. She loves you, after all. What she hates you for, however, is your lack of sexual coordination. You know, the fact that you look like a meercat trying to shove a piece of pencil led into a folded piece of taupe carpet. Or maybe the fact that your stamina is nil, and you can get in three pumps before you shoot your throat yogurt in her pubes.

Here's some tips to get your girlfriend/wife to, you know.... want to see your wiener.

1. Quit laughing at the gay commercials. Trust me, they won't make your wiener any more efficient or exciting.

2. Trim your pubes. For real, you don't have to go the distance and get rid of 'em all. Not only will she appreciate that she can actually find your dick now, but she'll lick your balls, and it'll be your new favorite thing.

3. Bathe. Or at the very least, cover up your smoldering sack with some Axe or something. But don't spray it into your but hole. I know from experience.

4. Show interest. Give her a hug for crying out loud. Tell her you love her. It makes sex THAT much better.

5. When you see a commercial or ad with a hot chick, or some hot celebrity you think about when you jerk it in the shower... quit reminding her, "You don't look like that, hun." Duh asshole, she knows it. Regardless of how ugly she is, she's the best you can do. Be grateful she didn't dump you for her dentist or the copy guy from work.

6. This is the most important: try. That's right, sex is a two way street. You actually have to exert some effort when you romp in the sack. Don't let her just sit there and make her grind all over your trouser snake, move your hips, moan... make a fucking face, SOMETHING. You can't do any worse then just lying there and think about that hot girl who slipped you some nipple at junior prom.

VISUAL SUPPLEMENTS
Here are these terrible commercials.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mS9xwV2qaBg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kDZUvPjxyzA

Be proud of your hairy back, small dick, and lack of sexual coordination, guys. Mainly because... I DON'T DEAL WITH ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS... SUCKERS.

God, I'm awesome.

Home

So I got to come home today. Thank God. The ride home wasn't too bad. Plus, the weather at home is at least 15 degrees warmer then in FUNcie, so you can't complain about that. I spent the day with Brianne. We went out to eat and I got to introduce her to both of my parents. I got her this.... sweatery-doo thing and some movies.

It wasn't without hitches though. The traffic in Clarksvegas was absolutely atrocious, not to mention some dyke in a piece of shit tan metal sled almost backed into my car at an intersection. We got our DVDs at Game Stop because they had a buy 2-get 2 sale, which essentially meant we were stuck in line for a literal hour.

Bull shit.

And I was upset that she couldn't stay the night, but my cousins never tell my parents when they'll be home, so there was no way to know if anyone has a place to sleep. Not even my, and I fucking live here. Either way, it was great getting to see her before Christmas. She's (potentially) going to visit her mom tomorrow, so I'm hoping everything goes well with that.

You know what time it is? Halo/Heidi time.

Top 10 albums of 2007

This year was a really, really good year for music. Here's my top 10 for the past 12 months.

10. White Stripes Icky Thump
9. Spoon: Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
8. Iron and Wine: The Shepherd's Dog
7. Joan as Police Woman: Real Life
6. Wilco: Sky Blue Sky
5. Dinosaur Jr.: Beyond
4. Black Dahlia Murder: Nocturnal
3. Radiohead: In Rainbows
2. Wu-Tang Clan: 8 Diagrams
1. Queens of the Stone Age: Era Vulgaris


Listen to them all, especially the top 3. They are absolute must-buys. STOCKING STUFFERS, PEOPLE.

New shoes.

Straight baller. Oh yes.

Reading Books

My worst habit as an English major is that I refuse to read books. More specifically: novels. It's not that I dislike novels, or don't appreciate novels. It's just... I guess my creative writing niche has transformed my scope for literature. My attention span has really narrowed. Generally, I can't stay interested in literature if it lasts for more then 30 pages. Truthfully, the last novel I can say I read from cover to cover was The Great Gatsby and that was only because that was assigned to me as a freshman in college.

A lot of times I'll read a novel synopsis, I'll immediately look at the page count. Then I'll sit there and ask myself, "Couldn't you have told the story in half the time? Or less? Maybe 10 pages?" What upsets me is that most popular authors refuse to write economically. Tons of useless information about characters and settings. Pointless bull shit. And the best part is: relevant information is left unattended.

Don't get me wrong, I read. I read a lot. Tons of useless shit, especially when it comes to sports and music history. That type of knowledge seems tangible to me. Discussing pedagogy or theory... or even your general opinion about a book with somebody is beyond trivial. Most people never forget that "opinion" is just that: it's opinion. Not fact. So you end up getting into a ridiculous shouting match or pissing contest about the most inane garbage.

That's why I just stopped reading novels. Give me a nice collection of short fiction or poetry. Or a 32-page chapbook (kinda' like the one I wrote!). The reading is much brisker. The actual procession of time seems more plausible. Plus, if you hate it, you don't have the undying obligation to finish reading 200 more pages: you'll be done in like...5 more.

Don't get me wrong, I actually had planned on buying a few novels are giving them the old college try. But then I remembered how much I hate struggling through crap. Although, Hemmingway has never disappointed me before.


***Side note: mad props to the NFL for honoring Sean Taylor posthumously on the NFC Pro Bowl roster. He was having a monster season, and whole heartedly deserved this recognition.