Some boyfriends need to pull their pants up

I say this with the deepest sincerity.

Some girls, and even boys,

have boyfriends who are assholes.

Their pants are around the bottoms of their asses.

It suggests that they might have sex out of wedlock,

which isn't a bad thing.

It also suggest that they might not eat enough,

which is why their pants don't fit.

This is a bad thing.

If I invited every asshole boyfriend

and their less-of-an-asshole girlfriends

to dinner, I could feed them.

Most of the girls would pick at their food

with their forks, and whisper to each other,

"Hey! My club soda is flat. This restaurant is bullshit.

Let's eat at Panara next time."

I would tell the boyfriend who's has the least amount

of asshole in him 

that his girlfriend is ungrateful.

After dinner, I'd loosen my tie,

stretch out my legs until the bottoms of my pants

came up to my calves

and rub my stomach,

admiring the firm waist that cradles

the top of my pants,